amazed by His grace

First off I should say I am a very private quiet person, it's very hard for me to start up a conversation or share anything personal (dreams, embarrassments, fears, crushes, failures, etc) with people, even friends. So if you know me or have met me, you have probably noticed I tend to be quiet, shy and totally introverted. I'm trying to very hard to change that and be more outgoing/talkative, but this will sorta explain a little bit why I am that way still. Mainly I tend to over-analyze every step, thought, and word before it comes out, so I usually bottle everything up in myself so that I don't have to risk the ridicule or rejection of those around me. For years I always told myself that I was like that so that I would be stronger against peer pressure, that my opinion didn't matter, Or whatever other lie sounded good enough to convince myself that I wasn't weird for stockpiling memories and problems.If you know me or my family (the Irwin clan), you know there are a lot of us, and by a lot I mean there are 8 kids and a grandchild in my family as of right now. We are like a super sized Brady Bunch. I have always said and really do mean God has blessed me with the family He has given me. I love and adore each of my amazing siblings and my truly amazing parents who are such an example to each of us of how we want a God centered-God led marriage to work. Even with all the love and acceptance we have in our family, I let the devil find a little crack in my armor from a childhood insecurity and then dig in deep. He slowly wheedled his way in, telling me I wasn't as pretty as one sister, wasn't as popular and outgoing as another. Or that I was not talented like my brothers, or that I wasn't a good enough God-fearing daughter to my parents. And slowly over time (looking back now I can see each step that I faltered clear as day) he won me over with these lies. I slowly began to pull back from my family, thinking that really deep down I was not important enough, pretty enough or outgoing enough to be in the family. And no one would notice if I just backslid to be a shadow member. I began to hang out with a crowd that professed to be wonderful God fearing young adults, but in actuality we were all just running as fast as we could from God's plan and purpose. For most of my high school years, I lived the wishy washy life that my friends were all leading, going to church functions, acting out the part we were expected to be. But then we were all slowly stepping over the boundary into a lifestyle we all knew was wrong. While I never truly felt loved by these friends, they provided me with a place where I finally felt I belonged. A safe haven where someone thought I was pretty, intelligent, and funny all the while being able to “live” the life my parents expected of me-church, school, social life.A little more time passed, I graduated moving out on my own and I had pretty much withdrawn from my family circle, showing up for the occasion Hello's, token I love you, holidays, etc. I was living my own life with my own self created “family of other confused young adults.” Until one night a horrid tragedy struck my family, my little sister, Bekah, who I love and adore, was in a horrific car accident that left her in a coma for days. Immediately I went to the hospital to be with my family, but when I got there, in the stress of everything happening, suddenly it brought up all these awful insecurities that I had been running from all along. I felt completely alone and completely unneeded by anyone in my family. I stood in the ICU wondering where to go, what to do, who to help, but more that I was completely in the way of everyone.
With all those issues flashing through my head, it brought back the memories of when my dad died, leaving me, his little girl without her brave daddy at a very young age. Which was the beginning of my little heart's bruising from a family member who should have been pouring out love and care for me during this critical time in my life. My grandmother helped take care of me and my two younger sisters while my mom and dad were at the hospital going through chemotherapy and treatments. For some reason during this time, she turned her sadness and guilt over her son dying of cancer onto me, and only me. She cast all her fears, sadness, guilt, hatred, and shame onto me just a young child. She treated me like an outcast, saying horrid things to me, and overall just being miserably bitter to a young child who was losing a parent. I was too young to have the ability to cope with the loss of beloved parent, much less to be a whipping pole for a bitter woman's misgivings and sadness.
All those insecurities from my childhood suddenly tore into me at the hospital, making me turn tail and run. I had never realized the memories from my childhood were so vividly ingrained into me that when I was faced with a major obstacle all those little cracks from Satan, became huge gashes of insecurities and low self worth. Immediately I withdrew from my family, when they needed me most, and just turned my back on them. I moved in with a friend, who was and is still headed down a path of self destruction. I just let that friend take over telling me how I should think. Whatever they did, I did. Wherever they went, I was there too. And however they felt about life, religion, family, I just blindly agreed. Because in my panic and crashing self worth I had decided that my family really did not love me, just like my grandmother had told me all along. That they did not want me around, they had the pretty one, the popular one, and all the talented others so in the end, I wouldn't be missed. I believed I should just go about my life doing as I pleased with my friends who really would love me. Those few months were the darkest, saddest , and most depressing times of my life. I acted in ways I swore I would never act, I said things I would never dream of saying, and just played a huge fool. I planned to live my life exactly like that for the rest of my time, however long that might be. Which at the time, I didn't even care about dying because it would get me out of this world where I felt so completely alone. One day I was driving back to the house where I was staying, completely broke with a barely running car, not having spoken to my parents in weeks. When all the sudden I thought I was dying. I pulled the car over, trying to suck air into my shrinking lungs, and trying find a way to breathe again. I just broke down in sobs over my steering wheel, wondering if i was really going to die right there on the side of the highway. I sat there for a good 20 minutes before I was able to make coherent speech enough to call anyone, so I dialed the one place I knew I could find help. My parent's house. When my mom answered, I broke down trying to tell her everything at once. I was talking so fast and sobbing so hard that finally all i could tell her was that something was wrong with me and I needed help. She calmed me down and then a few days later, we went to a doctor where I was put on anti anxiety pills. They actually helped for a little while, until I began to have mood swings to the point I couldn't get out of bed without laying on the floor and sobbing, or I would be so hyper I couldn't sit still. It took a few weeks and the medications seemed to be helping for awhile. I started feeling better about myself and my life, but I was still trying to hide from God. Until one day my mom called and asked me to come back and live with them. I immediately freaked out. Why would I want to live there? They don't know the real me. They don't love me They just want to control my actions so I don't embarrass them. All of which was satan trying to keep me in my self destructive cycle so he could win.I know my parents and my family must have been having a prayer war for me because one day I finally I just gave up the fight. I was so unhappy living where I was and where I was going with my life that I just gave up. I packed my few things from my little room, loaded up my broken down car, and drove back the few miles across town to my parents home. I wish I could say everything was wonderfully perfect after that, and everything was fixed immediately. But of course it was not because this is Hollywood. I faltered a few times and finally found a footing that began to turn my life around a little bit at a time. I went into counseling with Women of Grace and I was able to see that the little cracks that were drilled into me as a child by a bitter grandmother did not have to define me or rule my life. I am a beautiful creature of God's creation. He made me with the brains I have, the love I have, and the family I have for a reason. I may not know what exactly His Grand and Amazing Plan is yet, but I am following it the best I can with my family's blessing and support. But I still wake up where I feel that sting in my heart that I am not pretty enough, popular enough and that I will never find someone to love me for all my gifts, flaws, quirks; weirdness and all. I know thats satan will try over and over to try to dig in on my insecurities. Everyday I have to wake up and say to God, “I am the woman you made me. I am beautiful, whole, and useful to You. Please protect my heart so that I may be your servant in every thing you call for me to do. Father, I am Yours. You lead and I will follow. I once was lost but now am found. I am yours.”